IMAGO for Couples

Unconscious Dynamic

Romantic Love

  • Begin with the meeting (Experiential/Unconscious) - The reptilian brain decides

  • I’m attracted to what is familiar to me & unmet needs from childhood guide the process

  • Our unmet needs correlate with our attachment style learned in childhood

The Power Struggle

  • Unmet needs calling on lost parts

  • Two themes (turtle/hailstorm)

  • Emotional Reactivity: Amount of explosion (emotional reactivity) external or amount of shut down (cut off) internal directly proportionate to amount of fear of being separate. Attack can be withdrawal or external.

  • Conflict is growth trying to happen

  • Unfinished childhood business

  • Behind every complaint is a wish

The Conscious Connection

The Dialogue

Three parts: Mirroring/Summary, Validation, and Empathy.

Introduction to the Intentional Dialogue:

  • ask for an appointment

  • identifying your intention

  • Send in small parts! one or two sentences.

  • Be aware of the impact of your facial expressions and the tone of your voice.

  • Remember you often appear very powerful to your partner even though you might feel powerless.

How to show up as the sender and receiver in the intentional dialogue (4 intentions):

  1. Speak from the heart

  2. Listen from the heart

  3. Speak Spontaneously - Giving my partner my full attention while they are sharing

  4. Speak leanly - Essential - As few words as possible to reach my message. Couples dialogue (crossing the bridge)

Meditation/Centering

Check In: (Sender)

  • What I am experiencing in my body as we begin this session is……

  • At the end of this hour, I would like to experience…….

  • And what I can do to make that happen…….

  • One appreciation I have for you…..

Dialogue:

  • Send & Mirror, Is there more?

  • How I imagine I might contribute to this experience

  • When we do this, I experience…

Summarize:

Validation:

  • You make sense or I’m following you!

  • And what makes sense is ……..

  • You make sense because sometimes I …..

Empathy:

  • I imagine you might be feeling…. (One word feelings)

Response: (Receiver)

  • One thing that touched me that you said was…..

  • When this happens what is going on inside of me……and how I deal with it…..

  • One thing I can do different…..

Close:

  • appreciation

  • What I am experiencing in my body after I have shared these things with you…..

  • A new way I would like to be with you around this is….

2 MAIN OBJECTIVES

  1. To Address the Turtle /hailstorm adaptations adopted in childhood (basic level) and to address the 90/10 assumption - 90% is from my childhood experience and 10% is from current experience.

  2. Moving from the unconscious relationship and making the relationship conscious - moving to dialogical relationship/connection

A Few Important Assumptions and Practices

No shame, blame or criticism of the other or self

Validation: This does not mean agreement.

Powerful, important, scary

You make sense and what makes sense is ……..

You make sense because sometimes I …..

“When we notice something anchor it.” Dan Siegel

Always ask if the send feels validating to their partner

Empathy:

I imagine you might be feeling…. (therapist points out moments of connection)

Sentence stems:

When that happens the story I tell myself is….

That story comes from……

When I tell myself that story what I experience in my body is…….